When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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