Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She even gives head with a lisp.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
