Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
