When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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