Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
