i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
