honey bunches of taint.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
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