Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
