It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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