I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
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Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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