Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
