I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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