Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
