Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
