Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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