my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
