the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
