You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
