True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
