i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize