My sheets look like a crime scene.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Dating After Heartbreak
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i think my cat just said my name.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.