I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.