he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
