I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i love accidental penises.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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