either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
