I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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