You made me cry and you don't even care
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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