fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
