Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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