my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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