Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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