I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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