So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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