For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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