I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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