I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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