im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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