I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
