I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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