i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize