SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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