Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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