Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
