VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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