i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
