if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
