I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
