Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
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Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
just found out that she named her cat after me.
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Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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