I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
