My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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