I will die if light touches me.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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