I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
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My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
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Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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