btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
