Soap is not a condiment
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.