I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
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i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.