she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
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i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
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The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
How do u even exfoliate your vagina