I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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